July 16, 2009
The Obama Administration is off to a lightning-fast start passing legislation on everything from financial system bailouts to corporate acquisitions. Despite criticism from many conservatives, the truth is that these bills are just modest first steps. We really wont see anything bold until the second Obama term, when the logic of the first-term ideas really takes hold. Heres a peek:
- The Duplicative Home Reduction Act. Its a dirty little secret, but many Americans own more than own home (this is a bipartisan phenomenon, and some of the second homes are as far away as Ireland where Sen. Chris Dodd even had one!). How can we allow this? The carbon footprint of these multiple dwellings is more like a carbon centipede, and imagine the carbon spew it takes to fly between them. The DHRA would end the tax deductibility of mortgage interest on the second home, phasing out in year five to a ban on ownership of any second residence. We could even limit mortgage deductibility now to the home that has the smaller footprint. Think globally, yes, but live locally.
- The TransFat Anti-Twinkie (TFAT) Tax. Yes, chips can fall where they may, but some of the tastier varieties make for very overweight and unhealthy people. Obesity can and must be made taxable. Any exchange of fatty foods between adults weighing over 126 pounds (scales can be erected on sidewalks and in shopping malls and made mandatory for passersby, as we do for tractor trailers on the interstate) should be subject to a 25% excise tax. As a back-up measure, we can tax obesity directly. The more deposits, the more deposits.
- The Depopulation Acceleration Act, aka Gates-Buffett-Soros Neighborhood Desertification Plan. Lets face facts: What good is a tax credit that gives parents $1,000 off their federal income bill for each qualifying child? The DAA would limit the number of qualifying children to three fewer than the number each family actually has, with a maximum of four qualifying children. Legislators may then not notice that the GBS NDP is a one-child per family credit! As a gesture of compassion, the credit will not be refundable to the government for families with mathematically negative numbers of children.
- The Windmill Proliferation Act. With a suitable exemption for the Kennedy Compound in town of Hyannis Port, Massachusetts, the WPA will require each U.S. residence to have a windmill projecting from its roof by 2015. The windmill will be used to power a solar panel which will be used to power the battery on the cell phone each family will be required to have in order to respond to text message alerts on healthy living from the White House.
- The Super-Light Car Crash Indemnification Act. This legislation will award $100,000 to every family that waives its right to sue over the death of any of its members in an automobile less than 1,000 pounds (passenger weight excluded) that is purchased from GM (Government Motors) and utterly destroyed in what used to be known as a fender-bender on a U.S. interstate.
- The Tinpot Dictator Recognition Act. This law will render automatic U.S. diplomatic recognition of any dictator seeking to join an international organization formerly premised on democratic processes and create, as a matter of U.S. policy, advance support for unilateral executive actions to abolish presidential term limits in foreign countries. This will require a side amendment to the Unitary Executive Criticism Act of 2010.
- The Government Contracting Abolition and Enduring Bureau Act. In order to assist in and expedite the permanent expansion of government, contracting out of government services for any temporary purpose shall be suspended until further notice.
- The Environmental Reparations Act. Polar bears, snail darters, and wolves have suffered greatly at human hands. Preserving habitat and achieving animate equality are no longer enough. The ERA will distribute cash endowments to the surviving members of schools and packs affected by direct (e.g., bow and arrow) and indirect (global warming) human interference.
- The Media Management and Cooperation Act. This law will elevate the Fairness Doctrine to a statutory requirement and create media equality by obligating all future radio and television broadcasts to emanate daily from the White House. To further ease the information overload on viewers, only the answers to questions from qualified reporters will be shown. Viewers will be encouraged to infer the questions from the answers given.
This glimpse of the future is offered as a public service with the understanding that the actual text of the bills will not be available unti1 20 years after their enactment by the totally transparent Democratic Congress expected in the year 2013.